


forget me, forget me not

by bongjaehyunz



Category: Golden Child (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-02-26
Packaged: 2019-03-23 12:12:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13787502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bongjaehyunz/pseuds/bongjaehyunz
Summary: Day by day, it fades away.Our tears, but never our love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by Big Bang’s Haru Haru! and also a friend’s prompt ^^ support golden child!

Jaeseok excused himself and stood up from his seat, only to fall back down as the sudden blood rush momentarily knocked him out. Sungyoon’s eyes grew dark with worry, he gripped Jaeseok’s shoulder firmly, “You alright?” His heart ached whenever he saw Jaeseok in pain, there was nothing worst than seeing the man he treasurered more than anything and anyone in the world suffer. At times, Sungyoon thought himself as over dramatic, but he really would rather he gets stabbed a hundred times in a same spot with a blunt knife, than watch Jaeseok her even a paper cut.

Regaining his vision, Jaeseok smiled weakly and nodded, “I just need to get to the washroom.” His voice sounded a little hoarser than usual. Before Sungyoon could offer his assistance, Jaeseok turned towards Daeyeol, “Hyung, could you help me to the washroom? I’m feeling a little dizzy now.” Without hesitation, Daeyeol nodded and the pair left to the nearest washroom.

Sungyoon’s heart grew a little heavier, with worry, and a little jealousy. He hated feeling this way, he knew he had nothing to worry about, the two of them were his best friends after all, they wouldn’t do anything that would hurt him. He turned back to the table and continued the conversation he was having with his friends. They held their monthly gathering at the restaurant that Jaeseok and two of their friends, Jaehyun and Donghyun were working at. Fate was a funny thing, to think that Jaeseok would once again meet his juniors after graduating from college, and them joining him in working at the same restaurant, Sungyoon was still glad Jaeseok was surrounded by people that made him happy.

“Hyung, how is the thing coming along?” Jaehyun asked, while flipping over the barbecued meat with a pair of tongs. Sungyoon shushed him, “Don’t talk about this when we’re with Jaeseok, it’s meant to be a surprise!” Jaehyun giggled and went back to focus on his food.

-

Daeyeol knocked on the cubicle’s door occasionally, making sure that Jaeseok was alright inside. Hearing Jaeseok emptying everything he ate during dinner, broke his heart over and over again. “Jaeseok ah, are you sure you’re alright? Do you need hyung to come in?” Daeyeol’s hand was already on the knob, ready to push the door open. A loud bang against the door from the inside made him take step back in shock, “Hyung... I’m fine, don’t worry... I-I just have to get it all out.” Jaeseok’s voice was already barely audible and the door between the two just made it worse.

After what felt like hours to Daeyeol, the door creaked open and Jaeseok’s weak frame slowly crept out, he looked skinnier, way skinnier than usual. Daeyeol could see that the sickness was eating him alive, inside out, it was killing him bit by bit, day by day. “Jaeseok ah, you don’t have to do this... why don’t you just tell him? Sungyoon would stick by your side no matter what, you know that right?” Daeyeol pressed a firm hand against Jaeseok back, as the younger man scooped the water under the running tap and splashed it against his face.

Feeling a little cleaner, Jaeseok looked at Daeyeol through the reflection in the mirror, “Hyung... that’s what I’m the most worried about. It’s exactly because I know he’ll stick by my side no matter what, that is why I have to do this. I can’t let him suffer with me, I can’t let him do this. I don’t want to watch him lose me little by little, I’d rather do it all at once. I don’t want him to see me in this state, I know it’ll break him.” He gave Daeyeol a weak smile, it was all he could muster at this point in time. In order to hide Jaeseok’s worsening medical condition from Sungyoon, he hasn’t been receiving his treatment periodically, because to Jaeseok, the fear of hurting Sungyoon far surpasses the fear of death.

“The plan still goes on. We’ll still do it tomorrow. Hyung, you’ll help me right?” Jaeseok turned around and reached for Daeyeol’s hands with his own trembling ones. He gripped Daeyeol’s hard, as if afraid the latter would leave. Daeyeol’s heart ached, it ached so badly he wasn’t sure how he’d carry on with the plan, but he had to, for Jaeseok. “Yes, o-of course... Anything for you.” He felt as though there was something stuck in his throat, his face felt a little warm as the tears threatened to fall. Daeyeol scolded himself in his mind. When he first heard of the news, he vowed not to cry, at least not in front of Jaeseok, because in the latter’s remaining time, all Daeyeol wanted to show him was beautiful things.

“Hyung, do I look okay?” Jaeseok braved a smile as he swept a loose strand of hair to the side. He was beautiful, he always was, always had been, always will be. Many times, Daeyeol just wanted to tell him how he really felt, but he always held back, knowing that his feelings will only become a burden that Jaeseok would have to carry, “You’re handsome. You know you are, people have always told you that.” Daeyeol smiled back, proud of how strong Jaeseok is, even if it wasn’t for him. Jaeseok managed to let out a small chuckle, “Even after I start the chemotherapy, and lose all my hair?” Daeyeol caught a tear that escaped with his finger, “Always.” Jaeseok heaved a sigh of relief, “I have to do this, while I still can.”

-

Daeyeol supported Jaeseok on the way back to their table. Jaeseok’s pale lips and unfocused gaze threw Sungyoon off his initial concerns of Jaeseok and Daeyeol being too close lately. All Sungyoon felt at his point, was sick with worry. “Are you sure you’re alright? You don’t seem fine. I’m bringing you to the doctors.” Sungyoon held Jaeseok’s hand tightly, but relaxed a little as he saw Jaeseok wince. “I’m really fine. Just some bad food.” Jaeseok waved him off, with a voice that was only getting weaker by the second. “Can we go?” Jaeseok squeezed Sungyoon’s hand as he whispered. Sungyoon frowned but obliged, seeing that Jaeseok really seemed to be feeling under the weather. Before Jaeseok left the table, Daeyeol grabbed hold of his wrist and looked at him, with a gaze that seemed to say, “Don’t worry, it’ll all be fine. You don’t have to try too hard, we’re all here for you.”

At times like these, Jaeseok hated himself. He hated that he was making use of his friends, he hated that he was making use of Daeyeol’s feelings for him. He hated that he felt so useless, and that the only way out was this. Most of all, he hated what was about to come next.


	2. Chapter 2

The journey back home was an awfully quiet and torturous one, especially for Jaeseok. At times, the urge to puke his guts out was so strong, the cold sweat started pouring out from the side of his forehead. Sungyoon occasionally took a glance at him from the corner of his eye, making sure that he’s alright. “Is it too warm? Why are you sweating so much?” Sungyoon reached over to turn the dial that controlled the air conditioning in the car. Jaeseok merely shook his head, as he was afraid that something more than words would come out if he were to open his mouth. He steadied his breathing and tried his best to calm himself down, it was okay, he told himself, it’ll be over soon.

-

Jaeseok spent close to two hours in the bathroom that night, going through the words he was about to say over and over again, making sure that it would be flawless and believable. When he finally came out, he was ambushed by Sungyoon’s endless questions, but what hurt him the most was the look in his eyes. Jaeseok told himself that he was doing all these, just so he could avoid that look. The look of worry that made Jaeseok feel even sicker in the stomach.

“What’s happening to you? You’ve been awfully quiet the entire night. Are you sure you don’t need to go get checked out at the hospital? Look I’m so worried here, could you at least look me in the eye and talk to me?” Sungyoon took a step towards Jaeseok and held his hands, his grip feeling more desperate than ever.

Jaeseok took a moment before he pushed Sungyoon’s hands away, “Hyung, l-let’s break up.” There, he said it. But Jaeseok didn’t feel a tiny bit more relieved, in fact, he was still holding on to his breath, afraid that the littlest of movement could give his lie away. It was hard to read the look on Sungyoon’s face, it seemed to be writhed into a pained expression, but that wasn’t exactly it either. “What the fuck? This is a joke right? This has to be.” When Sungyoon finally spoke, Jaeseok felt like he could finally breathe again, yes, this was what he had expected. He knew how Sungyoon was like, hot-headed and impulsive, there’s no other better way to do it.

“I don’t think it’s working anymore. L-Let’s just end this. I’ll move out tomorrow. Y-You can stay, it’s your place anyways.” Jaeseok’s eyes danced around in its sockets, looking everywhere but at Sungyoon.

Sungyoon was fuming, he hadn’t expected this, never. And not when he had a big surprise planned for Jaeseok, not when he spent so much time and effort on it. “Tell me why. You have to give me a reason, I deserve that much at least.” Jaeseok took in a deep breath before he started, “I don’t lo-” the sound of glass shattering stopped him mid-sentence. Sungyoon had swept everything off their bedside table, all the photo frames that lined it prettily, were now in an ugly mess on the cold hard floor. “Don’t you fucking dare say it, you can’t possibly not love me anymore. You can’t. You won’t. That’s just not possible. I’m not accepting this.”

The tears that threatened to fall still swam around in Jaeseok’s eyes, he had prepared himself for this moment but it still hurt more than he thought it would. He clenched his fist, determined to go through with this till the end, “Let’s just end it right here. There’s no point anymore.”

Sungyoon’s next reaction came as a surprise, he chuckled, “You’re unbelievable. You’d think that I’d believe this blatant lie of yours? Park Jaeseok, I’ve known you since you first knew the meaning of the word ‘lie’. I know whenever you’re bullshitting, and this is definitely one of those times.” Jaeseok shook his head, “I’m not lying-”, Sungyoon cut him off again, “I’m giving you some time, I’m sure it’s the food poisoning talking. I’ll stay over at Youngtaek’s today.”

Taking one last look at Jaeseok’s weak frame, Sungyoon turned and left, slamming the door right behind him. The whole house felt so empty, cold and barren. Jaeseok fell to the ground, finally giving in. He had been holding on throughout the entire confrontation, his knees wobbling occasionally but he gave himself a pat on the back for holding up for so long. He covered his mouth, and broke down in inaudible sobs. It was so hard, it was so hard to look at Sungyoon and tell him that he didn’t love him anymore. Sungyoon had been pillar of support for as long as Jaeseok could remember, Sungyoon was always there. Thinking that Sungyoon wouldn’t be there anymore, and that Jaeseok was the one who pushed him away with his own two hands, broke him apart.

He reached over with trembling hands and picked up one of the frames that fell to the ground. It was a picture taken at their graduation, Daeyeol, Jaeseok and Sungyoon, all wearing their brightest smiles. Never would Jaeseok have thought that a day like today would’ve come. He dreamt of a future with the other two, a happy one. He was glad that Daeyeol was doing well with his business, he had always been so proud of him and who he had become today. He was also glad that Sungyoon seems to be changing for the better too, although he was taking on odd jobs, at least he wasn’t doing anything illegal anymore. He had dreamt of a future where all three of them would be happy.

But now, those hopes were dashed, leaving Jaeseok with nothing but an empty house and an empty heart. He was angry, he hated that God had to take everything from him, he hated that he had to lose everything he ever loved, just because it was determined that his time here on Earth had to end soon. Jaeseok often wondered why, he was always conscious of his health, he was even training to become a Nutritionist, so why did it have to be him?

He knew he was never going to get those answers, but he couldn’t help but wonder.


	3. Chapter 3

It was a beautiful day.

Jaeseok’s hands were trembling again, Daeyeol sighed as he used his own hands to cover Jaeseok’s. “Jaeseok ah, are you sure? You’re not going to regret it?” Daeyeol asked with his worry-filled voice. Jaeseok had been dreading this day, but what had to come, will eventually come, “Hyung, you know me, I never regret anything. I’m sure, if anything, I’ve never been this sure in my entire life.”

Daeyeol nodded, understanding where Jaeseok was coming from. Daeyeol has always been the most understanding of the lot, and Jaeseok was ever thankful to have him around. “Hyung, thank you for this. I’m sorry you have to do this, I know it hurts you a lot and I’m sorry I have to be selfish this once. I’ll pay you back in my next life.” Daeyeol gave Jaeseok a small smile as he shook his head, “Silly, you don’t have to thank me, I’m not doing anything much. I’m thankful you’re letting me spend all these time with you, I just hoped we had another way out.”

Jaeseok sighed as he reached to the back of his neck and unclasped the hook of his pendant. “Don’t we all?” He gathered the chains in his palm, a tear sliding down his cheek. He wiped the stray tear away with the back of his hand, “Hyung, pass this to him. I can’t look at him and do that to him again, please just do me this favour will you?” Jaeseok looked at Daeyeol with a gaze so desperate and helpless, how could Daeyeol say no? “I’ll-” Daeyeol was cut off by a familiar voice, which didn’t come to a surprise to the both of them.

“So this is what you’ve been doing behind my back? After saying you don’t love me anymore, this is what you’re doing now? So what, you’re telling me he’s the one you love now?” Sungyoon was never one to be afraid to make a huge ruckus in public, and even thought all eyes in the cafe were on him, he didn’t care a single bit. Jaeseok shifted his hands to below the table, as he gripped on tightly to the pendant. It always felt so light and beautiful when it laid against his chest, but right now, in his hands, he had never carried anything heavier.

“Hyung, I’ll go first.” Jaeseok stood up abruptly and almost lost his balance, if not for Sungyoon’s firm and steady hold on his shoulder. Jaeseok shrugged it off with the remaining ounce of energy he had left in him, “I still mean what I said yesterday, we’re over. I’m sorry, hyung.” He turned to leave but Sungyoon wasn’t going to let things go so easily, “What does he have that I can’t give you? I can’t believe this, I can’t believe the both of you. You guys are supposed to be my best friends, and not do this right behind my back. Huh, Jaeseok, tell me, what is he giving you that I can’t? Is it the money? Because he’s richer than I am?” Jaeseok was thankful that his back was facing Sungyoon, so that his tears were hidden from his view. He couldn’t let Sungyoon know the truth, not when he was so near to succeeding. His fists shook as he clenched them tighter than he had ever did, the pendant that was still in his hands, digging into the flesh of his palm.

“Choi Sungyoon, I think you should stop talking before you say something you don’t mean.” Daeyeol stood up from his seat and faced Sungyoon squarely in the face, it hurt him to see the pained expression Sungyoon wore, his puffy eyes suggested that he’d cry himself to sleep the previous night. “Shut the fuck up, Lee Daeyeol. You don’t get to say anything right now, not after you decide to go behind my back and hook up with my boyfriend.” Sungyoon shoved Daeyeol in the shoulder, forcing the taller man the fall back a few steps.

Now Daeyeol was angry, he knew he shouldn’t be, but he couldn’t help himself. “This is why he left you, you know that? You can’t make him happy, you never will. You’re like a ticking time-bomb, you can never control your temper, you lash out whenever things aren’t going your way, and those people you’ve hurt along the way, have you thought about them? You should be thankful Jaeseok put up with you for so long. Get over yourself Choi Sungyoon, you’ve always known I’m better than you.” With that, he turned his back on Sungyoon and made his way out of the cafe.

-  
“Where are you? Park Jaeseok, where are you?” Daeyeol was screaming into his phone, earning stares from pedestrians along the walkway. But he couldn’t care less. “Park Jaeseok, where the hell are you?” Daeyeol was about to lose it, he knew how hurtful Sungyoon’s words were to Jaeseok, and seeing the latter leave without even a word, made Daeyeol sick in the stomach. “Park Jaeseok I swear to god the moment I find you...” Daeyeol’s voice trailed off as he arrived at the playground the three of them used to play at. Jaeseok sat in his usual spot under the slide, all curled up as he hugged his knees tightly, with his head tilted downwards. Daeyeol smiled the brightest smile in a long while, relief rushing through him all at once. He made small cautious steps towards Jaeseok, not wanting to startle him.

Sensing his presence, Jaeseok looked up at Daeyeol, tear-stained face that wiped the smile off Daeyeol’s. Daeyeol settled himself down beside Jaeseok and the pair was quiet for awhile, until Jaeseok started breaking down for the first time in years, in front of another person. “Hyung... I-It just hurts so much. It hurt when I thought about it, but doing it hurt so much more. And thinking about how Sungyoon hyung must be feeling right now, just makes it even worse.” Tears were pouring out from the corner of Jaeseok’s eyes, and Daeyeol was momentarily speechless. He always thought of Jaeseok to be the strongest person he had ever met, a man of few tears.

The ache in Daeyeol’s heart magnified, with every single tear that rolled down Jaeseok’s cheeks. He didn’t know how to help the younger man, and he knew nothing could comfort him now. “Hyung... what do I do now?” Jaeseok managed to make his words audible in between his sobs, “I love him so much and it’s just killing me that he thinks that I no longer do.”

Jaeseok unclenched his fist and the pendant was a little bloodied as the sharp edge broke the skin when he held it too tightly earlier on. It was a gift from Sungyoon when he got his first job. Sungyoon had promised Jaeseok that he’ll get him bigger and better things, a ring, maybe, in the future. But Jaeseok had always reassured him that he didn’t need anything else, he just wanted Sungyoon by his side, happy and healthy. Jaeseok flipped open the charm, shaped like a book, that was attached to the pendant. A picture of Jaeseok and Sungyoon taken a few years back stared at him. The corner of his lips turned slightly upwards, unconsciously, it was his favourite picture of them.

“H-Hyung, pass this to him alright? I know this is the only thing that will make him give up on me completely.” Jaeseok sniffed and wiped the tears away with the back of his hand, as he placed the pendant in Daeyeol’s hands. “It’ll be my final goodbye.”


	4. Chapter 4

Jaeseok spent the next few weeks moving back and forth, between the hospital and his home. Daeyeol was with him during the entire process, making sure he was never left alone, never hungry and never lonely. Daeyeol often wondered if Jaeseok would do the same thing, if Daeyeol were the one he was in love with. Yes, he thought, because Jaeseok was always so selfless. He had the biggest heart, in his entire life, Jaeseok seemed to always be giving and giving. Jaeseok proved to the world that kindness still exists in people, and that there were still people out there that did good deeds without expecting anything in return. 

 

Jaehyun and Donghyun dried their tears before knocking on the door to the private hospital room. “H-Hyung...” Jaehyun’s voice cracked a little as he saw all the wires that were attached to Jaeseok. He looked thinner as compared the last time they met, Jaehyun was genuinely worried that if Jaeseok became any skinnier, even the slightest of winds would sweep him off his feet. Donghyun had been silent the whole time, until Jaehyun pushed him a little forward, “H-Hyung, this is for you. It’s my gift to you, remember you bought me a beanie last time?” 

 

Jaeseok remembered, of course he did. Donghyun once got a bad haircut a couple of years back, and Jaeseok knew he was worried sick about how his peers would react to it. Jaeseok gave him the beanie before he started the new semester, and the look on Donghyun’s face was one that Jaeseok would never forget. He wished Donghyun could be more confident of himself, because Jaeseok thought he was so talented, and had so much to show the world, if only he was more willing to step out of his shadows. Jaeseok’s heart ached a little again, remembering that he might not get a chance to see that Donghyun ever. 

 

Jaeseok put on the beanie and grabbed hold of Donghyun’s hands before he could hide them behind his back again. He raised his head slowly and met Donghyun’s eyes, “Donghyun ah, you know hyung had always been and will always be so proud of you right? You have to promise me that even when I am not around anymore, you have to take good care of yourself, and of Jaehyun too. You two are my pride, I have so much more to teach you that I am sorry I am not able to do so.” He smiled a little, always apologetic for things that were not his fault. Donghyun held Jaeseok’s hands tightly and shook his head, tears falling and staining the bedsheets, “Hyung, don’t say that, you still have a chance, you can’t give up now.” 

 

Jaeseok merely nodded, he didn’t dare dream or hope, because he had learnt the hard way that whenever he had expectations, there’s bound to be room for disappointment. Countless of doctors have came to see him but none of the treatments worked, his condition was deteriorating day by day, but there really was nothing he could do about it. “How’s...How is he?” Jaeseok finally popped the question that he kept buried for the past few weeks, he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the answer. 

 

They all knew who he was referring to, Donghyun cleared his throat, “Sungyoon hyung... he’s a mess... Youngtaek hyung is having a really hard time cleaning up after him. He comes home drunk almost every other day, and on the days he’s sober, he just sits on his bed and blanks out. Hyung... he’s really broken.” Jaeseok gripped the bedsheets tightly, his facial muscles all tensed up from clenching his teeth. He had expected this, he shouldn’t be surprised. 

 

“Could you guys spend more time with him? You don’t have to visit me often, just check up on him alright? He needs people around him more than I do. Make sure he drinks, water, not alcohol. Make sure he goes to bed at proper timings, and please make sure he eats well.” The chemotherapy drained Jaeseok of whatever remaining energy he had left, often feeling tired and dizzy after holding a short conversation. "I don't think I should talk anymore, I'm feeling a little tired. You guys should head back now, Daeyeol hyung will be here with me." 

 

The two boys nodded and gave Jaeseok a pat on the back before turning to leave. "Boys," Jaeseok tried his best to raise his voice a little, "Please take care of him. Please fix him."

 

-

 

Sungyoon was a mess, he knew he was, but he wasn't going to do anything about it. What's the point of it anyways? The person he thought would stay by his side forever, left him in the matter of hours. He wasn't even given a proper explanation, and that was what angered him the most. Time and time again, he wanted to trust Jaeseok, he wanted to trust that he knew what Jaeseok was like, and that Jaeseok would never hurt him like that. But what could he believe in, if not the things he saw the other day? Jaeseok taking off the pendant with his own two hands, and passing it to Daeyeol, as if it meant nothing to him anymore. 

 

Sungyoon let out a sad chuckle, as he raised the bottle of beer to his lips and let the liquid flow right in. It seemed to momentarily take away his pain, and Sungyoon would do whatever he could now. Anything to stop his heart from breaking apart further. He desperately wanted to know what was running through Jaeseok's mind, when he decided to end it all so abruptly, without even a proper goodbye. Sungyoon blamed Jaeseok, for leaving him all alone, for turning his back against him, for giving up on everything they had and for breaking his heart. It hurt even more knowing that the person Jaeseok left Sungyoon for, was Daeyeol. The Daeyeol he trusted with his life, the Daeyeol that would bring Sungyoon hangover soup, knowing that he had a tough night, the Daeyeol that watched Jaeseok and Sungyoon's relationship blossom. He hated them, in that point of time, for throwing away the friendship he treasured so dearly. But the person he resented the most, was himself. 

 

He hated that he was incapable of greater things, he hated that he couldn't make Jaeseok feel secure, he hated that he couldn't paint a picture of the perfect future for Jaeseok, he hated that he wasn't the best. If Sungyoon had the chance to turn back time, he would definitely give it his best shot. But it was all too late. 

 

-

 

"The surgery will be tomorrow? Isn't that a little too quick? Jaeseok ah, are you sure about this? We can look for other solutions." Daeyeol furrowed his brows, expression dark with worry. Jaeseok pressed his lips into a thin line, "Then what? Wait a few more weeks, a few more months? I want to try whatever I can hyung, I just want to end it all if I could. But I'm trying for you guys, I'm trying, I'm trying. It's risky, but it beats sitting here all day in this stupid bed, with doctors coming in every hour and telling me they've tried their best but nothing works. I'll go ahead with the surgery." Jaeseok pulled the clipboard from the nurse's hands and signed the consent form, he wasn't going to hesitate anymore. "I'm sick and tired of this. Every day I get angrier and sadder, I'm resenting every single thing, I feel like before this illness kills me, I'm already dead by my own hands." Daeyeol opened his mouth to speak, but closed them after second thoughts. He scolded himself, why didn't he think about how Jaeseok must've felt, how helpless and hopeless. He thought he knew, but surely he couldn't know more than Jaeseok himself. 

 

"Alright...If you are sure you want this, then we'll do it tomorrow." Daeyeol pressed a firm hand on Jaeseok's shoulder and dismissed the nurse with a nod. Daeyeol used his free hand to hold Jaeseok's trembling ones, "I'll be with you, don't worry." Jaeseok tilted his head to look at him, eyes glistening with tears, "Hyung, I'm so scared... But I hope that after tomorrow, I'll see him again." 

 


	5. Chapter 5

The following day came faster than Jaeseok would’ve wanted it to. But he was thankful, that it didn’t give him a chance for second thoughts, he wanted to get it over and done with. Whatever the outcome, he told himself he was prepared even for the worst.

“How are you feeling today?” Daeyeol ruffled Jaeseok’s hair after he entered the ward, breakfast in the other hand. “I can’t eat anything before the surgery, you know right.” Jaeseok glanced over at the food Daeyeol brought. Daeyeol cleared his throat, “Who said this is for you? I usually eat two sets of breakfast. I have to have enough energy to get through the rest of the day, you know how tiring it is to be the CEO of an up-and-coming company.” Jaeseok rolled his eyes at the older man, “Whatever you say.” His little tune along with his words comforted Daeyeol a tiny bit, knowing that Jaeseok was coping better than he had expected.

“Hyung! Good morning!” Three heads peeked into the ward. Youngtaek, Jaehyun and Donghyun brought even more food, their kind actions warming Jaeseok’s heart on a cold cold morning. Jaeseok smiled and waved his hand, inviting them in, “I’ve been waiting for you guys.” Youngtaek raised his eyebrow, “And if we weren’t going to come?”

Jaeseok chuckled, lifting the mood in the room instantly, “Then I’ll have to hunt you guys down. Of course I had to see my three favourite little brothers before I go.” There, he managed to wipe off the smiles on other four in the ward in an instant. “Hyung... don’t talk like that.” Donghyun chided, tears welling up in his eyes again. He promised Jaehyun he wouldn’t cry in front of Jaeseok today, but seeing him lose hope bit by bit managed to hurt him in ways he didn’t imagine possible. Jaeseok scolded himself, knowing he had ruined the mood, he tried his best to reassure them that he was fine, “I meant go for the surgery. You guys better be here after I come out, I’ll be waiting!”

In all honesty, Jaeseok hated this. He hated instilling hope in the others, knowing that he’ll most probably only disappoint them. That was what he was the most afraid of, disappointing people. When he first heard about his condition from the doctor, Sungyoon’s face was the first to come to his mind, and Jaeseok decided in the instant that Sungyoon was the one person that he couldn’t afford to let down anymore.

He had considered running away, to a far and distant place, to just waste his remaining days away. The doctors themselves didn’t have much hope, so what could Jaeseok have had? He cried for a long time after that, knowing his days were limited but there was so much more he wanted to do. He had always thought about marriage, although he never mentioned it to Sungyoon, not even once. He wanted to have a big house, filled with the laughter of their children. He wanted to cook their meals, and anticipate Sungyoon’s arrival back home every day, ask him about his day, tuck the children in to bed, and finally end off the day with Sungyoon right by his side.

The world felt so much darker ever since he found out, but he made the decision to push Sungyoon out of the darkness, he had thought that Sungyoon deserved at least that much. No matter how much he thought Sungyoon would hate him, he never regretted his decision.

Now Jaeseok just smiles, whenever he thinks about the could-haves and the would-haves. It would still be a beautiful world for Sungyoon, without him, he prays and he hopes.

-

The boys spent the rest of the morning in Jaeseok’s ward, talking about their week and also occasionally reminiscing the past. Daeyeol was thankful that the boys were there to lighten the mood. He wanted to make sure that Jaeseok was worry and stress-free before he entered the operation theatre, the doctors had said that that could increase the chances of survival.

The boys laughed when they spoke about time they first met Jaeseok. They took up a culinary module in college, and the guest speaker was Jaeseok at that time. Ever since then, the boys grew interested in cooking, and have even helped out at the restaurant that Jaeseok was working at during their summer and winter breaks. Jaehyun giggled, “I remember that Youngtaek hyung was so close to Jaeseok hyung then, that Sungyoon hyung became really jealous-” Donghyun smacked Jaehyun hard on the back, after he saw how Jaeseok’s face fell at the mention of Sungyoon.

“It’s alright, I’m fine. It’s alright, Jaehyun, look at hyung, I’m really alright.” Jaeseok held Jaehyun’s hands tightly, trying to get the latter to look at him. He had always doted on Jaehyun like a younger brother, the boy was really the last of his kind. How could someone be so selfless and thoughtful at such a young age? Jaeseok had always been so proud of his achievements, both his and Donghyun’s, they were really like the sons he never had.

“I’m sorry, hyung...” a tear fell from the corner of Jaehyun’s eyes. Jaeseok used whatever strength he had left to raise his hand and wipe it off softly, “Don’t cry, I’ll be sad if you do. I want to see you smile, you know yours has always been my favourite.” Jaehyun burst into a small giggle upon hearing those words, and he smiled, the biggest one.

-  
Youngtaek had been awfully quiet the whole time, “I’ll be back soon.” He excused himself and left the ward. He found himself a seat right outside, and took out his phone, contemplating. He knew how hard Jaeseok tried to hide the truth from Sungyoon. But as much as he understood where Jaeseok was coming from, he couldn’t block out the cries he heard from Sungyoon’s room at night. Youngtaek knew how much the both of them were hurting, and be blamed the heavens for that. He didn’t understand why, two people in love, two good people in love, had to be broken apart in such a cruel way.

“Hyung... please pick up... please...” Youngtaek whispered into the phone as it dialed. “It’s so early, what do you want?” Sungyoon sounded snappy, as he had the past few weeks, but Youngtaek knew better than to blame it on him. He felt as though something was hitched at the back of his throat as he tried to squeeze the words out, “Hyung...” Youngtaek choked back the tears as he tried again, “Hyung... he’s... Jaeseok hyung...”

By then, Youngtaek has already begun to sob uncontrollably, covering his mouth with the free hand, trying to hold it all in. “What about Jaeseok?” Hearing his name again after a long time, Sungyoon felt a pang in his heart but he was wide awake now, he knew something was wrong. Something was dead wrong.


	6. Chapter 6

Everything seemed to be moving around so quickly, Sungyoon clenched his fist to steady his thoughts. But it was impossible to try and erase Youngtaek’s words from his mind.

“Jaeseok hyung is going for his surgery.” Surgery? Sungyoon thought he must’ve heard wrongly. Jaeseok was the healthiest person he’d ever seen, the one that was the most health conscious amongst the bunch of them. Surely there must be some misunderstanding somewhere, Sungyoon prayed silently. “What for?” Sungyoon thought about the day Jaeseok had ‘food poisoning’, “Since when did food poisoning require surgery?”

Sungyoon dreaded the answer from the other end of the call, this must be the reason why his eyelid couldn’t stop twitching that morning. “Son Youngtaek, I swear to God if this is a prank you’re playing on me, you’re going to-” Sungyoon managed to force those words though gritted teeth. He hadn’t heard anything about Jaeseok for the past months and the first time he does again, it’s about this?

“It’s cancer.” Sungyoon didn’t realise he was holding on to his breath until then. All kinds of emotions rushed through him as he exhaled, “You’re lying. That’s not possible. You’re talking about Park Jaeseok here. The guy wouldn’t even get McDonalds with me.” Youngtaek was still sobbing at the other end of the call, barely managing to speak anymore, “Hyung, come quick. I’ll text you the address, please come quick.” He didn’t wait for Sungyoon’s reply before he ended the call.

Surely there must be a mistake, Sungyoon let out a chuckle of disbelief, surely there must be. His feelings of anger dissipated, replaced by a hollowed fear. It was the kind of heart-wrenching fear and worry that seemed to be clenching his heart so tightly, Sungyoon wasn’t breathing in a steady momentum any longer. He sat on his bed, numb and frozen, until his phone lit up with a message.

It just couldn’t be real.

-  
Sungyoon first met Jaeseok when they were in elementary school, they were just friends back then, along with Daeyeol. But the three of them had big dreams. Jaeseok wanted to become the head Chef of his own restaurant, Daeyeol wanted to own an advertising company, and Sungyoon wanted to be rich. People always laughed at Sungyoon’s dream, but Jaeseok saw it in a way so different from others, it made Sungyoon curious.

“When he says he wants to be rich, it doesn’t mean it has to be monetarily rich. Can’t he be rich with love, rich with experience?” Sungyoon was surprised that such words could come out of a 7 year old, a boy younger than him. Sungyoon really did mean he wanted to live with riches, but Jaeseok’s words sparked something in him, and ever since then, he lived by those words.

“Why did you stand up for me back then?” Sungyoon remembered asking Jaeseok once, many years after. “Because I believed in you. And I’m glad I did, look at how far you’ve come. You even got your first job now.” Jaeseok smiled so adoringly at Sungyoon, the latter wasn’t boasting but nobody would ever doubt Jaeseok’s love for him. “But you didn’t know me.”

“Everyone starts off as strangers, and that’s how we become friends. If we’re helpful to our friends, and only our friends, won’t this world be so ugly?” Sometimes Sungyoon didn’t really understand Jaeseok, and where he came from. But he always chose to believe that Jaeseok did only the things he thought was right, and never regretted them.

But he couldn’t say the same thing this time. If Youngtaek wasn’t playing a prank on him, how could Jaeseok be so cruel, to leave Sungyoon in the dark all alone?

-  
“Hyung, don’t cry. It’s breaking my heart to see you guys cry because of me. That’s the last thing I want.” Jaeseok reached over to wipe a fallen stray tear away from Daeyeol’s cheeks. “Hyung...”

Daeyeol looked at him, there were many times Daeyeol couldn’t do so, because of what Jaeseok and Sungyoon meant to him and he could never cross the line, “Yeah?”, his voice hoarse from all the crying he did earlier in the washroom. “Hyung, thank you for loving me. In ways I couldn’t reciprocate, but thank you. I love you too, you know that right? I love you, not in the way you want me to, but I still do. I’m always thankful to have you by my side, my strongest unwavering pillar of support.” Jaeseok was crying too, but those were happy tears, he convinced himself.

Daeyeol just held his hand tightly without speaking, but even the silence was comforting to Jaeseok. “I hope I’ll see him again, I really do. There’s so many things we haven’t done as a couple, there’s so many things I want to tell him. I want to thank him for letting me love him so passionately, and also thank him for loving me back.” Jaeseok stared blankly at the wall in front of him. There were no tears, they’ve drained completely dry from his late night crying sessions, when no one was around to watch and comfort him, “I’m sorry that I’m telling you this, but I really want to get everything out, before the surgery.”

The doctor knocked on the door, interrupting the moment, “It’s time. The nurses will be escorting you into the operating theatre.” A couple of nurses clad in their usual uniform appeared from behind the doctor as he ended his sentence.

Jaeseok gripped Daeyeol’s hands. He had wanted to be brave, to face it strongly, but he was still human. “Hyung, I’ll be back.” Jaeseok put on his best smile as he was wheeled out of the room, “Don’t follow me, I’ll be back.” His voice trailed off as he left Daeyeol alone in the empty ward.

-  
Sungyoon prayed it was a joke, but the solemn faces he was greeted with when he reached the corridor at the hospital, convinced him otherwise. Youngtaek was the first to approach him, he enveloped Sungyoon in his arms and sobbed into his shoulder. “H-Hyung, I’m so sorry for lying to you.”

Sungyoon squeezed his eye shut, he hoped that when he opened it again, Jaeseok would be there, smiling again and telling him it was all a prank. But when Sungyoon opened his eyes again, all he saw was Daeyeol’s grief-stricken face. The taller man walked towards the pair, he took a moment before he whispered, “Sungyoon... I’m so sorry. It was what he wanted.”

“What the hell are all of you talking about? This is some sort of joke right? You know what? It’s sick. Get Park Jaeseok out here right now.” Sungyoon pushed Youngtaek off him and yelled, earning stares from everyone down the corridor. “This isn’t even funny, get him out here.” Daeyeol took careful steps towards Sungyoon before embracing the latter in a tight hug, “Sungyoon ah...”

“Hyung please, get him out here. Give him back to me. Please, I beg you. I’ll do anything you ask of me, just give him back to me.” Sungyoon said through muffled cries while choking on his tears. “This was what he wanted, it’s really for the best.” Daeyeol placed a hand on Sungyoon’s back, hoping he would calm down, although he doubted it.

Sungyoon struggled hard in Daeyeol’s grasp, “Let me go, I’m going in. I’m not believing any one of you until I hear it from Jaeseok himself.” Daeyeol felt as though he was dealing with a young Sungyoon again, the one that threw temper tantrums almost every other day, the one that would destroy everything in his line of sight whenever he was too carried away. “You won’t see him in there, he’s in the operating theatre right now, he should be out soon. Let’s just wait for him.”

The moment Daeyeol ended off his sentence, the doors to the operating theatre opened, and the doctors and nurses wheeled a bed out. Sungyoon’s hands were trembling so badly he held on to the railing as he stood up from his seat. He couldn’t really feel his legs anymore, but he tried his best to move towards the bed, left in the middle of the corridor.

He was there, on the bed. The love of his life, the one person that made him want to be a better person, was lying there, not moving. Sungyoon called his name, several times. He grabbed Jaeseok’s still and lifeless body and shook him hard, shouting his name over and over again, hoping he would miraculously get a reply. But nothing came.

That was when Sungyoon’s world came crashing down. He begged and begged for Jaeseok to open his eyes, to look at him, even if it was just once, he wanted to tell Jaeseok he loved him for the last time. He wanted to hug him for one last time, give him the most passionate kiss for the last time.

But all Sungyoon could remember, was his last words to Jaeseok. Those awful words he didn’t mean, those awful words that he used just to hurt Jaeseok as much as he was hurting. He reached for Jaeseok’s hand, only to find it curled into a fist, as though holding onto something tightly even in his last moments.

Sungyoon spread open Jaeseok’s cold fingers with his own trembling ones, falling to the floor as he saw what Jaeseok was holding on to. The pendant Sungyoon gave him looked shinier than usually in Jaeseok’s hand, he must have cleaned it just before the surgery. Sungyoon realised how wrong he had been, how wrong it was of him to ever doubt Jaeseok’s feelings for him.

Daeyeol placed a hand on Sungyoon’s shoulder and squeezed lightly, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry... I’m sorry I lied. Sungyoon... till his last moments, the one he thought about, the one he worried about, the one he loved, was always you. In Jaeseok’s life, you were always the constant.”

Sungyoon cried. He cried and cried and cried, the tears never stopped falling. His person was gone. He was never going to see him smile again, he was never going to hear him laugh again, he was never going to bury his head in Jaeseok’s chest and surround himself with his favourite scent. He was never going to get to tell him those 3 words again. He was gone.

Jaeseok, who held on to the very end, because of his love for Sungyoon. And yet Sungyoon’s last words to him, were words that doubted that one true love.


	7. epilogue

Sungyoon made his way to the familiar playground, the one the three of them spent their childhood at. He had a small spade in one hand, as he stood below the tree that was so huge, the foliage covered the entire playground. Sungyoon bent down and started digging into the ground with the spade, he dug and dug and dug until he heard the sound of the spade hitting metal.

He dug into the soil with his bare hands and opened the metal tin that was once buried beneath the ground. Sungyoon frowned, there was a piece of paper in it that he didn’t recall seeing during the time they buried it. But that was more than two decades ago, his mind could be playing tricks on him.

He flipped it open, and indeed, it was something placed there only not long ago.

“To Sungyoon hyung, my one true love.” The letter wrote, Sungyoon could recognise Jaeseok handwriting anywhere.

“ _To my Sungyoon hyung, my one true love._  
 _I knew you’d come here, after everything that has happened, I had faith you would come back here. If you’re reading this, it probably means I didn’t survive...it... and if you’re reading this, it means we didn’t make up before I left._

_I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that I’m leaving you alone, I’m sorry that I have to go first. Please do not beat yourself up, I don’t blame you, I have never blamed you, so don’t blame yourself. I knew those words were said in spite, I choose to believe in the better you. I love you, all of you. The good, the bad, the ugly, I love it all. I’ll continue loving you, from a far away place._

_Please continue living well, there’s nothing I want more than that. Please eat well, sleep well, and be kind. Sungyoon hyung, you have so much love to give, don’t just save it for one person. One of the only things I ever regretted, was keeping you too close. I often thought about how you would live without me, happily, I’d hope._

_I have never told you this, but I’ll do it now. I have always thought about marriage, thought about having little Sungyoons and Jaeseoks running around our little home, having breakfast in bed on Sundays, growing old together. Maybe in our next life, I hope, I’ll get to meet you again._

_Our love was passionate, don’t let it fade. Maybe in our next life, I’ll finally have the courage to pop the question. Let me try it once now though, and even though I won’t be able to hear it, I hope the answer is yes._

_Choi Sungyoon, will you marry me?”_

Sungyoon wondered how much more a person can cry, before he is completely drained of tears. It seems like Sungyoon is testing the limits now. He reached into the box and picked up two foreign objects. Couple rings.

“Of course it’s a ‘yes’, you silly.” He held Jaeseok’s last gift to him to tightly in his hands as he sobbed. “In our next life, in our next ten lives, no matter when, no matter where, it’ll always be ‘yes’.”

He placed his last gift for Jaeseok in the box. It was something Jaeseok had always wanted, a small restaurant opened by himself. Sungyoon knew, since they were young, and he had worked so hard to buy over a small shop just by the neighbourhood, and was going to surprise Jaeseok on his birthday this year. But it was too late.

Sungyoon pulled out a small piece of paper from the box, its corners all yellow as it aged along the years. The three of them wrote their dreams on small pieces of paper and kept it buried as a time capsule, set to only be opened when they were all old and frail. He flipped open Jaeseok’s. His handwriting never really changed, still neat, legible, “To grow old with Sungyoon hyung and Daeyeol hyung. To open my own restaurant.”

Sungyoon choked back the tears, as he looked up in the sky, hoping Jaeseok was looking down at him at the same time. “Look, I got you your restaurant... As for the other dream...it’ll still come true...” Sungyoon smiled for the first time in months, as he slid both the rings onto his finger.

That is his last promise to Jaeseok.


End file.
